Thursday, September 11, 2014

The Worst Cover Letter Ever

My name is Devan Boyle and I am delighted to express my interest in the position of Venue Manager for the [Redacted] Theatre. My personal experiences performing and participating in theatrical productions make the position interesting to me; it is my hope that my professional experiences in nonprofits, customer service, and the arts make me interesting to you.

At the risk of impudence, let me be frank: the concept of a traditional cover letter undoes me. By now you’ve probably read dozens written for this job, some professional, some appalling, most riddled with typos at the least and egregious grammar at the worst. I’m offering something a little different, and it’s no cover.

I believe I am the woman for this job, I’m excited as hell about it, and I’m going to tell you why.

I worked at the front desk of the downtown [Redacted] in Asheville for nearly three years. I learned how to defuse conflict gracefully, interact with people from all walks of life, and maintain a sunny, professional demeanor under the most unholy of customer service situations. I was called on to remember hundreds of details about pricing, membership options, programming, and events at the drop of a hat, keep our front desk attractive and clean, create a monthly work schedule for a dozen other front-desk staff, train new employees, and promote the mission of [Redacted] as a nonprofit, including fund-raising and soliciting community support.

And yes, I handed out a lot of basketballs along the way and folded more group exercise schedules than bear the telling of it. But I also knew the first and last names of hundreds of our members, and could spell those names to boot. I could look at a member’s face and anticipate both their problem and the solution for it almost before they could give it voice. I know this position at [Redacted] would give me a chance for similar satisfaction.

It’s that kind of attention-to-detail combined with big-picture vision that I believe would make me an asset in this position, and I welcome the challenge of a greater scope of responsibility in a field in which I still have much to learn.

In short, I know how to delegate tasks, communicate with efficiency, candor, and poise, and multitask like a crazy-in-a-good way 1950’s housewife. I have excellent taste, badass cleaning skills, and the way I handle a stapler strikes fear in the hearts of men. I can bend any copy machine in existence to my will, type with my eyes closed, and produce flawless paperwork. If necessary I can open a beer with a lighter, tie a cherry stem with my tongue, and get you back into the car you locked yourself out of. I have an instinctive and practiced ability to find the clearest path to smoothing a shitshow into a pile of silk purses. I’m fearless about asking for help when I need it, and resourceful enough to make that a rarity. I'm the secretary that would have saved Don Draper from himself.

I’ll whip your volunteers into warriors for your cause. I’ll brew coffee, take out the trash, file reports, wield a hammer, find the missing glue gun, soothe battered egos, and work tirelessly to make each production a success.

I would love to have the chance to work for you, and I can promise you’ll never regret it.

43 comments:

  1. Amazing! I agree with your sister (which is how i found this blog), you are definitly a writer :) Keep it up! Greetings from norway

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  2. that's fantastic, said, as someone who reads a lot of cover letters for a non-profit

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  3. dang.
    keep writing & i'll keep reading ♥

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  4. Sent here by your sister - keep writing : )

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  5. another blog to be read, for sure!!! share your talent with the world Devan!!! AND I need to see a photo of your mother when she was your age - she is looking right at me through you!!!

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  6. This is the best cover letter I've ever read.

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  7. Can I hire you to write my cover letter? Awesome!!! I would give you the job!

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  8. 1. Keep writing; you're excellent at it.

    2. If it were up to me, you'd get the job (and probably get a promotion within the first 90 days too).

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  9. Substitute "Haylie's Best Friend" for "Venue Manager" and I'll hire you immediately. These are all skills I look for in a friend, or, at the very least, a blogger :) Welcome. Can't wait for more!

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  10. It's true, you should be a writer. You're the real deal and you've got an actual talent for this. Keep going!

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  11. came here from Erin's blog too, she didn't exaggerate! you portrayed a living character in a great literary sense, very good writing. plus bonus in life that this vivid literary character very probably matches yours now (especially while you are young and have huge energy and curiousity to explore this segment of life with this much attention). if you were ever interested in becoming an artist I'd also suggest (if you don't mind) using your own resources to expand your own artistic path / business. it's very alive, thanks :-) iLdi

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  12. You're probably feeling a lot of pressure right now, about writing another post. But you're also probably bursting with tiny ideas. Just write anything, when you feel like it. Don't think about it.

    www.butternutb.wordpress.com

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    Replies
    1. such thoughtful words, they would be quite true for me if I were blogging...

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    2. My heart! You're so sweet to be so encouraging!

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  13. unbelievable. truly. i am so glad that i read your sister's blog because it brought me to your now blog. too good. keep writing...if you want. we will read.

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  14. Devan - sent here by Erin.

    You are a dream candidate! This cover letter is a breath of fresh air amongst hundreds of drab, canned submissions, I'm sure. I would hire you in a heart beat!

    Alas, I agree with your sister -
    Write, girl! WRITE!

    I'll be sure to read.

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  15. I'd hire you in a heartbeat! Where I work, part of the interview test is if we would want to go to coffee/lunch with someone and I can imagine you'd knock it out of the park.

    Keep up the writing! You're definitely talented!

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  16. Love! Keep writing and I will follow!

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  17. your sister's blog sent me here. already a fan. keep writing and we just love to keep on reading. and be inspired as well. love from the Philippines. :)

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  18. Love this post (and the second one)! Wow, what a letter! You have some serious talent. Let it flow but don't let it bog you down. If you get up one day and can't come up with good inspiration, let it go, let a day pass by, then hit the keyboard again and it'll come tumbling out. Good luck. I'm looking forward to the next post!

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  19. Was sent here by your sister's blog as well. Please keep writing and I'll definitely keep reading!! Love from Singapore =D

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  20. Wonderful words Devan! I look forward to reading more.

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  21. Like so many others, I found you via Erin's blog - this is seriously the best thing ever! I wish I had thought of it first ;) I'm definitely looking forward to reading more of your work, starting with the two posts I scrolled past to get here! Good luck with the job hunt (if you're not already employed by the [redacted] theatre, and please keep writing! This is truly brilliant :) - Rhianna

    Wildest Journal

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  22. Found myself reading this thanks to your sister. I wish I had siblings like you two. Keep up the badass work. I'll be talking about you to my French (english-speaking) compatriots. Au revoir!

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  23. NO wonder there it is very exciting blog for the peoples who are looking for best cover letter ever.it makes the resume very attractive.

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  24. Interesting to keep writing but what about needing employment to pay interest piling school loans and rent, utilities, shopping along with daily living expenses. Who supports you while being a blogger? Other wise thank you for sharing your gift with the world who at times shuns those with no support.

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